The Ex.
Now I have an idea why people make such big deals about exes. You know... stuff like, getting over the ex, dealing with the ex, being friends with the ex and being an ex.I am an ex. I know that it's stupid and silly to sound as a part of my life revolved around being somebody's ex. But I can't help it... that title packs a pretty strong punch. I am now and official member of the "love and lost" club. And while it's a title I don't exactly want, I have to admit that it does say something about me.
I am an ex. I once loved someone who really loved me back. But that someone didn't stay... so I had to let that someone go.
I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights wondering what went wrong, my muffling sobs with my pillows so that no one would suspect that something was amiss. I'd reminisce about out happy times, then break down when I'd realize that the person was no longer mine. I analyzed every single detail of our breakup. I talked endlessly about my situation. I spent nights in tearful telephone conversations and my days in daydreams where we'd end up in each other's arms again.
Sometimes that person still makes my world turn, I'd do anything for just to get that someone back. But sometimes, I saw that someone as the bitch incarnate who broke my heart, and who deserved to be horsewhipped at the very least.
I told myself that I was all for the better. That this was destined. My friends offered advice, none of which I hadn't heard before: "It's a sign that you're not meant for each other," "When God closes a door, He opens a window," "Someone better is coming for you," "There are so many other fish in the sea," etc.
But it didn't work. Because deep down, I still believed that person was the one. No one, except me, could ever say who is deserving of the love i give. And I couldn't understand how this was all for the better... when everyday seemed more torturous than the last... not being able to be with that person the way I wanted to be, seeing that person so unaffected, and dealing with my broken-and-smashed heart and bruised ego.
I tried to immerse myself in other activities to forget about that person. I went out a lot. I filled my schedule with movie marathons, shopping sprees, clubbing and partying. It worked for a while... but then there were times, times when my mind was cleared of the busy thoughts I tried to occupy it with, that I would think of that someone. Memories would sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in my most vulnerable moments.
I tried to show the world that I was OK. That I was over that someone. That it is fine just being friends. I didn't go around with a big "X" on my forehead, nor did I go around with puffy eyes and tissue box. I tried to live my life, as I knew it before I met that person. People thought I was doing great.
They heard me laugh, and they saw me smile; I seemed happy, they said; and I told myself I was. But in the solace of my room, where I tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my feelings, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't truly happy. Because I was still yearning for someone, and my heart still ached for something that could not be.
It's been more than a month now since we broke up, surprisingly, things have gotten better(?) I've changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized that the person wasn't the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up. And I've become stronger, older and wiser.
That person has changed as well, when I look at that person, sometimes I still see the person I fell in love with. Sometimes I think that one's the same person as before... the same sweet smile and contagious charm that I fell for, and I like to believe that the rest of that is changed as well. But then I take a closer look and I realized that person HAS changed... that I don't know that person anymore, not really... not enough to love and care for as I once did.
I am an ex. I've loved and lost. I've cried tears for the things that were and that could have been. I've rested with intense feelings of love and hate, of jealousy, of frustration. I've tried to rebuild my world without the person whom it used to revolve around. I've tried to save myself from the depths of depression and self-pity, and when I couldn't do that, I tried to preoccupy myself.
I don't know exactly what I gained, or how much I lost. Maybe someday it will all be clear to me... then again, maybe not.
--Tophr
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