The Wanderer and His Shadow

aux 9 - continuing education

Lately, i've been thinking about my life: the past, the present and the future.

With the recent events in my job, I've come to the conclusion that I could have done better, but if I did, i would have been more narrow in focus when it comes to what I've experienced. It's annoying to realize, but i think i've shotgunned my life.

I now have the option of becoming more focused with what i'm doing, but it will mean burning many bridges behind me. I don't think I'm emotionally prepared for that, so I'm on cruise control right now.

I enjoy the fact that i've experienced so much in my young life, but even though i now say that i have no regrets...well, I do. So many of my same-age friends are now in positions and jobs that are definitely one rank higher than my station in life, and though i know that i shouldn't envy them, I do envy the fact that they have more disposable income and freedom than I do. I can boast of having fulfilled so many of my dreams from my younger days, but that's the thing, isn't it: those dreams were from younger days.

I find now, as i grow older, that my dreams, goals and ambitions have changed. I want security, I want a stable job for the next few years, I want money that i can spend. it's not about being materialistic, just the thought that maybe most of my batchmates in school can probably buy their own car, live in their own apartment and actually start families, while i am still in the process of fulfilling my dreams of bygone days.

So when will I fulfill my dreams now? When I am even older? I may not have time. Let's face it: assuming i live long enough, a third of my life is done now. if i am to die early, i've got only 2/3 of my life left to do all the things that i want to do. Will I always be a step behind in making my dreams come true?

But wait; the thing is, I do fulfill my dreams - dreams which were not fulfilled in some of my friends. Is that a good thing? I can say that i've done what i set out to do - probably around a year ago. But now that i am about to be 23, am i close to my dreams when I was 16, or even last year's?

Perhaps i should have let go of those earlier ambitions.

I don't know; it's like having a map but no way to refer to it in my journey through life.

Do we cast away dreams that are meant only for the young?

Do we just follow the dreams of the present - to fulfill our needs and wants as our lives dictate at the moment?

Is the future simply a progression of needs and wants that change as we grow older - that our dreams are fickle, ever-shifting?

Should dreams be let go of?

I once dreamed that all i would need in life is happiness. Nowadays, what seemed so simple is so complex, that perhaps i should have been more specific.

I remember reading from a book by Salman Rushdie ("The Moor's Last Sigh"), about a man whose family had the habit of sleeping in times of trouble, to wake up in better days. I wish I, too, could fall asleep, and wake up to better days. But there maybe no better days.

Bah.

and so I should stick to my new credo in life: "Life is too short for sadness."

There's too much to do, too many dreams to fulfill, too many things - and now, I realize, at the right time - and so much of life to live. But I still feel like I've wasted so much time realizing that I have to live life, not dream it.

Well, hell yeah, I'm living my life too fast. Which gets me into thinking, I'm living my life as if I were an agent working in a call center on a shift with horrible forecasting and an unbelievably high volume of calls; one where in all agents are required to go on auto in without any breaks...even lunch. Maybe it's time for me to go on aux 9...take a deep breath and consider taking life's continuing education.

posted by Russ @ 3:24 PM