Happy Ever Afters
I finally had a formal closure with someone who loved me so much... someone who sacrificed a lot just to be with me. It was a love story that never blossomed into a fairy tale happy ending. I don't know why...... I felt bad, and emotionally affected that I'm afraid of love and risk. Oh well, after R. all my relationships never lasted as long as I had hoped it would. I have always doubted, paranoid of what might happen. Delusive and afraid of making the wrong decision of giving everything again, and winding up being alone again. Or is it maybe I WAS not yet over R.. that all my relationships after R were merely fantasies of what might have been if we had lasted long enough... or probably, I loved that person so much that I'm afraid I will be hurt again by the same feeling I had.Well, for my close friends who knew how R and I broke up.. and the emotional pain I went through just to be able to throw the person out of my system, I just feel that I'm already OVER. :)
Sometimes, romantic interlude could be completely safe. It's like swimming in a pool where the depth is clearly marked. You can't go any deeper, so you don't. You enjoy the thrill of testing new waters without any risk of drowning. Breakups are hell, and a fling can be the emotional equivalent of a trip to the Caribbean, leaving you relaxed and glowing. Besides, if you're like me and you gave too much in your last relationship, a post-breakup fling is a perfect primer for a healthy, me-first attitude. But I never learned to do that.
I just came home from xxx... I met four of my EXs at one place in one night. All of them share different stories about what happened to their lives. In those instance, I happened to sit down on each of them and chatted... hoping for their utmost happiness in whatever road they choose to partake.. thinking about what had gone wrong, and telling myself how I was able to hurt others, when in fact, I know the feeling of being hurt myself. Maybe, my defenses were just placed up high once I felt something wasn't right. I am being too subjective. I maybe stereotyping, haunted by the past that I had gone through.
Is it hard to find the right person? For me, all I want is someone who has high regards for character, has a little bit of confidence and humor, coupled with the right amount of intelligence, sensitivity and spontaneity. Someone who's being more natural, than being perfect. And someone who never cease to believe in "forever". I am already over R. It's been almost a year now.. I have to live life and love again. I have to learn to stand up again.
As Rss would tell me always... "Love is so short. Forgetting so long."
Well, the time to move on is NOW... I'm determined to find the right one for me by opening myself again, my emotions and vulnerabilities.
Nearly seven years of finding the right one. I've never felt more confident of finding that person. That's nearly seven years of helping love stories find happy ever afters.
1 Comments:
did'nt give it much thought either, before, (april, may, june, even july), never cared enough, never knew how to care enough, not knowing still, see im still writing to you despite a promise i made to the one i love, a promise i don't fully understand, like what happened, a year ago, when you lost "r", the one you loved.
there were only fleeting moments of thought, reasons that passed by me, like me a fleeting moment of interest to you, they went away unconsciously ignored, and like "g" who was also an object of your affection, i don't think you were fair, after a year this is the only time i will shed a tear, a tear, because of the hurt and this might be the only time i will find closure, because i want you to admit, that a monster exists, in you, it exists in all of us.
i was young, trying to explore the world, which you and I are unwillingly, almost forcibly born into, yeah there were attempts, but you were almost right, almost someone who would fan my selfishness, ignorance and immaturity, i was looking forward to something because you were almost my first, a glimmer of beauty... and i was nothing to you but an expendable object, with which you had no mercy and second thoughts of hurting, and toying. a rebound.
i want you to admit that there was nothing between you and I. or at least explain, but you always seem to athletically avoid the matter.
...because i didnt know much back then, unlike or like others... i still dont know much... still dodging malls, still dodging society, fantasizing moments of romance in a desert... because i didnt know forgive me...
i want you to admit that there was nothing between you and I. or at least explain, but you always seem to athletically avoid the matter.
...because i didnt know much back then, unlike or like others... i still dont know much... still dodging malls, still dodging society, fantasizing moments of romance in a desert... because i didnt know forgive me...
Post a Comment
<< Home