The Wanderer and His Shadow

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This has been a strange week. I feel like I am living in some kind of suspended animation. I haven't the faintest clue as to what I want to write, or what I really feel. I am neither happy nor am I particularly sad. I guess I can safely say that I am swinging between feeling a little lost and a lot lonely. This isn't the type of loneliness that I can drive away by chilling out, or spending time with family and friends. This is the loneliness that follows me like a sinister shadow. Casting its dreary gloom over my very soul. I don't know what to do, because I do not know why I feel the way I do. Why this aching loneliness never goes away. Why I feel so adrift, like a dry leaf being tossed around in a whirlpool of confusion.

The past week have been chaotic too, practically speaking. My lovelorn maid is again not in the mood, out of the blues. Leaving me in a massive lurch. At work the honeymoon period got over around the same time. We've been having assessments by the dozen. Everything seems topsy turvy. I come home and the house looks like a miniature ‘Hiroshima’ disaster. *sigh. I remember leaving the house pristine clean and coming back to this disaster was the last straw. A good cry and a few hours later I managed to restore some semblance of an order.

Not too much though!A friendship that had gone sour finally breathed its last this week. I would rather not talk about it as the pain is too sore, and it's a pointless exercise anyway. The whole thing just added to my misery, leaving a bitter taste in my already bitter palate.

On the other side T. is driving me nuts with her enthusiastic attempts to patch up. Taking full advantage of my weakness, my obvious inability to hurt her. Things are beginning to get out of hand. She refuses to accept that I have walked out on her and this is just a temporary arrangement. I hate the person who said it's never too late, because T. seems to keep throwing it on my face. Just because she has decided it's time to make changes in her life, suddenly I should forget months of fantasy abuse and fall along side her whims. When I refuse to play my part according to her script, she goes around with a sad puppy face, which unnecessarily makes me feel like I have committed a crime. Earlier she bullied me with blatant cruelty, now she is bullying me with subtle sugary words that make me gag. Nothing's really changed. I am getting bullied again and the very thought scares me. I don't want to fall back into that pit again.

It's taken me months, with the help of my close friends, to find my way out of my self-made maze. Yet, like the fatal hypnotic gaze of a venomous reptile, I find myself mesmerized to my doom. I cannot shake out of this apathy. At times I don't even try. Somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost control. All of this is making me feel very cranky, moody, confused and lost. I know I must snap out of it and most of the time I manage to at least look cheerful, but deep in my heart I am plagued by some unknown fear. I am tired of feeling this way.

I remember the quote: "When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the depths of darkness of the great unknown, you must believe one of two things: Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly."

Physically tired, mentally bereft. I don't want to take the easy way out but I soooo wish I could fly.

Well, it's almost valentines, here's my poem for those in love.

posted by Pat @ 3:27 AM