The Wanderer and His Shadow

How old am I?

For my friends---

I turned twenty four this year.
Friends tell me it's high time I grew wiser.
I read somewhere that you grow old like the rings inside an onion. There are layers of each year within the next. That’s how being twenty four years old is to me. How do I suddenly start feeling wise? They say wisdom creeps on you unsuspectingly, unexpectedly and painstakingly. It takes days, weeks, and months for this phenomenon to occur. In my case, it may be years before this miracle takes place.

It’s almost more than a day now since my birthday. Yet I don’t feel that I am now twenty four. The fact is that I still don't feel twenty three. I am still waiting for that reality to sink in me. People always tell me, that I do not look my age. It’s always flattering to see that look of inevitable surprise, flash on people’s face when I tell them my real age. The surprise turns to shock when I tell them that I am working as a manager as well. People at my workplace refuse to believe that I am single. Every other day, they tell me that I don't look a day over twenty. They smirk triumphantly and gives me the ‘I-told-you-so-hun’ look, when I tell them that. That was the first thing people here told me when I first came. I'll be lying if I say that I don't feel flattered every time I hear this. The person inside of me feels elated. It's not that I make a deliberate attempt to act or look young. That's just the way I am. My friends however tell me that I don't act my age. They know exactly how to deflate the child in me.

Funny thing about birthdays, people expect you to suddenly start 'acting ' your age, for some weird reason. I have been guilty of that sin too. Just a few days ago, when my nine year old cousin was sulking over some fight she had with our three year old cousin, I told her to act her age. Later I was thinking, what I meant by that. If I at twenty four still don't feel my age. How can I expect a nine year old suddenly start behaving like grown up. I was subconsciously repeating what my own mother keeps saying to me.

When you turn twenty four people forget that you are also twenty three, twenty two , twenty one...twenty five, twenty four, twenty three...and you are eighteen, seventeen, sixteen. Then there are some days when you are nine, eight, and seven.....
When my parents tells me, that I still behave like an irresponsible twelve or thirteen year old. That's exactly how old I am feeling at that point of time. Sulky and rebellious. They expect me to have the wisdom of a twenty four year old, but in my heart and mind it was just yesterday that I waited for them to hold my hand as they helped me cross the street safely. As I close my eyes, my life flashes in a kaleidoscope of events. It’s just like it was yesterday, I open my eyes and it’s today. I am no longer a child; I will be in the future the father of a child. I am twenty four. My dad will no longer be just my dad. He will be a grandfather. Yet the feeling lingers. Deep down inside me, I am still the frightened child that stood at the kerb of the street, helplessly watching vehicles zoom by, at breakneck speed. Waiting for an opening to cross the road, yet afraid to take the first step that will take me to the other side. I wait for a hand that will hold mine in its protective grip and help me cross the chaotic street of life. Safely.
That’s the part of me that is still feeling seven.

Then there are times when I feel suddenly brave. When I am faced with situations that require me to have, both the wisdom and the courage that’s beyond my meager twenty four. To be able to be decisive in making decisions that will not only be affecting my own life but also be able to make decision that will give a good mark to the people under my influence. Yet miraculously I survive. I surpass. I conquer. Those are the times when I suddenly realize that I am now a grown up. Those are the days when I feel hundred.
But I still don’t feel twenty four.
I am still waiting for realization to strike me, slap me or at least pinch me. So far it hasn’t even nudged me. Some days I wake up feeling like a frisky nine year old. Those are the days I want to blather endlessly with my friends and get into silly fights with them over anything. Then there are days when I am the mysteriously petulant seventeen years old. When I am angry with the entire world for absolutely no reason. Some days I wake up feeling scared and indecisive. On those days, I wish I was hundred instead of twenty four, so I know at hindsight what to say and do when life blows a below-the-belt-kick at me. I want to have more foresight on my part to be able to make the best decision for countless others. To be able to live for the greater good for the most number of people has always been the philosophy I live with. Almost at other times I feel like an audacious seven years old, dying to throw a tantrum about a whole lot of nothing.
I never wake up feeling twenty four.

I don’t see why I should feel twenty four when I can feel older or younger. Why I must ‘Act my age’ when I suck at acting. Why can't I just be a little kid, when I want to babble with my friends, a guy when I flirt with cute girls, a man when I explore my masculinity in her arms, a future fellow dad (hopefully) when I share my parenting blues with my dad, a child when I lay my head on my grandma’s lap, and a wise old man when I face the quirks of life both at work and in life. Why can't I just be me? Why must I ACT my age?

P.S. I'm in the process of "digitizing" all my photographs. I'll be busy scanning my childhood pics and china pics and will try to publish it in the next few months. :)

posted by Pat @ 12:01 AM