The Wanderer and His Shadow

a day away from 23.

my heart needs to stretch to accommodate the whole range of new emotions i am forced to face (mostly different shades of uncertainty). my perception needs to expand in order to own greater eyes to understand...

for,i must understand the changing horizon- the line at which the sky and Earth appear to meet; the line at which my unspoken dreams and actuality meet; the line at which my self-perception and the words spoken about me behind my back meet.

as the scenery changes so must i.

after all, nothing is real. nothing is true. nothing is permanent. nothing is ever really right.
"i'll never understand. i will never wake up knowing how or why."

i will never wake up knowing who i am until the day i die.

posted by Pat @ 3:21 PM 0 Comments

Mea Culpa

hmm.. reconciliation... a word often than not connotes symphony.. a music to one's ear. indifference... with understanding, is there such a word? compacency... whew... compromise... who wouldn't want such... incoherence... complexities.. gulibility...

i mentioned it all.. i believe it's all my fault. i am to blame.

posted by Pat @ 4:33 PM 0 Comments

Seneca: Should we settle for "second best"???

Dear .
Just prior to heading out the door for the twenty-minute trudge to my workplace, I've been sitting here, on the floor, sipping lemon tea, listening to a heavily syncopated 40 year-old jazz recording by Dave Brubeck, glancing outside to the fast-growing bulbs in my balcony planter...and thinking of YOU, specifically the offbeat playfulness of your mind.

As really tough as it is for x people to find a reliable, attractive, faithful, honest, patient and cheerful partner, I can imagine how tough it is for you to be alone much of the time. The strength that it takes for you to bear such an onerous yet perpetually unspoken burden must be inwardly excruciating. But I hugely respect and admire your pluck in doing your best to remain true to yourself and your hopes for a better life and ultimate emotional fulfillment.

I, too, am daily lonely, feeling oddly incomplete as though my other half were missing and yet when I look in the mirror each morning I outwardly seem to be whole, not half. But that's the trouble with unduly trusting in appearances...they can reassure one when in fact the inner reality is incomplete and inchoate.

My reading today has been the ancient Roman philosopher, Seneca, whose essays and letters are tersely worded gems of wisdom that remain fully apropos today. Technology and the cyber-world have done little or nothing to advance common sense or true wisdom about the folly of overly trusting in riches, or outer beauty, or high positions. Inner beauty and iner integrity are all that really abides...

Seneca says that we all tend to settle for the cheap, the tawdry, the easy-to-get, the outwardly showy or flashy. We tend to lack the stamina and the immense patience that it takes to wait for the truly wondrous, the inwardly marvelous, the magnificently lovely inner beauty that some few people carry about unseen by others.

When I think of your winsome, inquisitive character, I find myself hoping that you'll someday find a person that matches you virtue for virtue, grace for grace, instead of quickly settling on the nearest "easy sex" partner. You DESERVE the best...please keep serarching for it!!!

What a true gem you are!!! I am so very happy to be your friend, if only from afar, on this moist, emerald-green island of manila.

Wistfully, Your Doting Friend,

"pat"

posted by Pat @ 9:36 PM 0 Comments

hmm.. my goal.. a post a day.. hehe..

Some well-meaning, kindly intentioned (But sadly short-sighted and ultimately mistaken...) people have suggested to me that I "just get a lover", as if this were something that could purchased as easily as a can of soup, a bunch of grapes or a bottle of wine. Finding a soul-mate just isn't something that one puts on a "to do" list of things to be accomplished in a given time period. Finding one's other half isn't a "chore", or a "task", or a "goal"...it is rather a gift from fortune's hands, something so rare and precious that it would cheapen it to try to simplify it into some easy formula, like a cake recipe.

posted by Pat @ 8:40 PM 0 Comments

birthday song for xxx..

Simple Plan
Perfect


Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

posted by Pat @ 12:04 AM 0 Comments

my purpose in life..

"This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy… I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it but as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
George Bernard Shaw

posted by Pat @ 6:51 PM 0 Comments

...just a thought...

well, i just got home from work. finishing up the report that is for the whole program to enjoy. feeling relieved that i have at least been able to finish it at a stressful moment where i was only given 6 hours to combine the metrics of more than 400 people. hmm.. challenging but i love the program, and the company... and they're assured of my dedication in everything that i do! hmm.. what is success?

how do one define success? many times have we heard that the journey is more important than the destination... but does it really follow that way? i guess success is indeed subjective and it's meaning is relative to experience. If the end does not justify the means? then how could the journey be more important then? Well, I surmise that it's the way of the world. We keep on doing our thing, and fighting for what we believe in. But no bugles, no drums. No heroics. Just the feeling that we've lived up, with honor, to our profession--and our mission, as we perceive it.

well, i'm excited for my break this end of the month. it's a well deserved vacation to hk. shopping? nah.. i guess that's too expensive. i'll just try the taste of being infallible in a different country again! By all means, we have always a culture to blame!

having studied in china before, I have been accustomed to being infallible for the simple reason that I have my own culture, and views.. though we may be on the same journey (of learning.. or whatever), our methods differ and they have to accept that. for our culture is ever different and oh so enriching. I just love being outside the country at a non permanent basis. Travel takes me out of my senses, and teaches me that the way things are, and the way we do things is not the only way it can be done.. it gives me a fresh perspective.

have i missed something? :)

posted by Pat @ 6:46 PM 0 Comments