The Wanderer and His Shadow

High

I struck a deal with M yesterday. The deal made things very complicated. I entered into an open relationship with M so as to buy time... Finally, I also have DSL at my place. As I'm typing these messages, I'm quite satisfied with my surfing speed. Faster than surfing from the office. :)

posted by Pat @ 5:36 PM 0 Comments

Snapshots

Well, last night was a nightmare. It was supposed to be our first month. Tired from vacation, I went there to surprise M. Well, turns out that I was the one surprised. After going back home, I was busted. I feel I was used as a rebound again. The twin told me that she loved her Ex so much. Well.. I asked her what she has that I don't... She told me that what she knows is that her I have a lot that Ex doesn't. ooohh... I would rather ahve nothing and have you that to have everything without you.

I remembered what R usually tells me-

Dry your tears for no one will cry for and with you...
Its a cold, and cruel world. Oh yes...
And you've got nothing but your tears..
So dont waste it.

My depression is killing me. I resign myself.

posted by Pat @ 9:17 AM 0 Comments

Manila - Subic - Olongapo

Finally, our team building went through after 6 months of planning. :) Yet there were still a lot of "unprepared" stuff but everybody was happy! Manny, the promoted Quality Evaluator, surprised me when he said that he will be joining us. The whole team joined except for 2... We went there after our shift Saturday early morning. After arriving, some of the 'cooks' in the team started cooking. We started the afternoon drinking till the wee hours of the morning. We finished 2 liters of Fundador, Chivas Regal whisky, Tequila.. hehe... our team surely knows how to drink. The place we stayed was quite small for all of us, yet the view is fantastic. You have a balcony facing the sea, a few meters of walking and you'll be able to touch the waves that the wind blows. I'm looking forward to many more events like this.

posted by Pat @ 5:11 PM 0 Comments

perspectives

posted by Pat @ 5:33 PM 0 Comments

Sonnet 17

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

yes that close
I love you without knowing how, or when or from where
I love you straightforwardly,
Without complexities or pride

I love you because I know no other way than this.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand.
So close that when you close your eyes,
I fall asleep...

pablo neruda

posted by Pat @ 4:23 PM 0 Comments

Good Day...

The database program is almost ready to go... the only thing lacking would be the vb scripts that would command these binary numbers to pull out what will be another shining moment for SBC Manila. This program will be used across the whole site, and if proven to be successful, maybe implemented to the whole program. My boss will is thinking of the option to purchase it's own server too...

Work aside, I find myself courting the person who broke my heart. I've never felt happier when I got a message telling me that we can start at zero.. but this time, we have to know each other again... I hope I can win the person back. Love indeed is sweeter the second time around. Met the person a while ago.. too bad, I knew her aunt was the one who convince her to do that... hehe... but it's ok.. ;)

I'll be migrating to DSL in a few days time. The DSL people had me fill out an application form.. Good bye to slow internet days...

posted by Pat @ 9:15 AM 0 Comments

Bad day...

I'm all tears.. for a project that was is still unsuccessful... and for a love that was jsut broken.. :( turns out batangas wasn't the place for me... for it proved that I was just human. I'm sorry M. And it hurts me to let you go... :'(

posted by Pat @ 1:03 PM 0 Comments

Batangas

I just came back from Batangas. I was there on an overnight vacation with my baby, friends, and whoevers... We were there with the daughter of a congressman, who's driving speed is unbelievable. I guess having a number 8 plate number gave her the "right" to drive at speeds exceeding 180km/hr.

The lifestyle of the rich and the famous are truly fascinating. We went to Tagaytay to have some booze, then went to stay over their place in Batangas where their poultry house is situated. The view on our way home was magnificent, giving us a glimpse of the nearby mountains.

Oh well, I saw Taal Volcano again... Next weekend, I'm off to Puerto Galera with my team! Next week will be a busy week for me, having to present a database prototype for the company, and some other stuff... But the weekend nevertheless will be something to look forward to .

:)

posted by Pat @ 6:09 PM 0 Comments

Who are you.. Who am I?

I don't like people texting me. Especially those I don't know. It drains energy on my battery which could be used on a different thing. No wonder the consumption of power / population here in our country is far greater than other Asian countries. It's bad for the environment. We don't cherish what we still abundantly have.

But last night was one of those interesting moments wherein I actually was curious of who was texting me.. I thought it was a stalker or someone... hehe.. here are some of the text messages he sent.. I omitted some parts of those I sent..

x: I like it, when i see your frustrations shown on your face, it makes you very vulnerable. But still after all these years, you still suffering from it.
me: who's this?
x: A torn page in your diary
me: So, can I put it back?
x: Is that a question? How could you put back a torn page. You can't. And if you did it's not the same page in it's original state. It's Heraclitus 101.
me: ...
x: The Wanderer and the shadow - talking about a person still searching for something but can't leave his past behind. Frustrating? Ha! Ha! Ha! You're really a mortal!
me: ...
x: Heard that you can't sleep last night? Still thinking? You realize this so called existentialist life is so cruel? Read one of your fave book "myth of sisyphus" and you wonder why the author died of car accident without able to live his life to the fullest. After all these years, you still have the angst of a searcher. Maybe you are not in the...
me: So, how did you get my number?
x: It's not important how I got your number. What's important is that I know what's on your mind. A profiler? Am not. Have read Ann Rule's about Ted Bundy. It's called stranger beside me.
me: Introduce yourself to me then.
x: You mean introduce myself? Oh comeon, you know me. Why don't we talk more about you. You're now a team leader, with bigger responsibility. Can you handle the heat so bad that won't crack?
me: ...
x: Ha! Ha! Ha! I've got you there! As expected, you're going to ask that. But I'm not. Just testing my persuasion skill :-) this is going to be fun. My mind against your mind.
x: By the way, Billie Holiday is the better singer compared to Ella Fitzgerald. What do you think? Or you could use kalsada.com to be a website for freethinkers like us?
me: where did I know you?
x: 1) You know me 2) I'm illiterate 3) I'm normal 4) loves philosophy, psycho, literature, advertising, computer, religion, history, and everything under the sun 5) I'm contented
me: ...
x: Got my identity? By the way, you can also ask those hard questions that are lingering on your mind. You know what, your pic on the site reminds me of Franz Kafka.
me: You got a name? Are you still studying?
x: Takes time really to read previous message, isn't it? Still studying life. As I have told you, you know me very well. So no need to ask me. :-x
me: ...
x: Does it matter to you? Just consider me as your inner voice who will guide you through the travails of life. You got everything, but still you're not satisfied.
me: ...
x: See what I mean? Have you seen "groundhog day", Life's like that, awake eat sleep awake eat sleep and so on. What then, is the meaning of life? What's the purpose?
me: How will I be able to trust you?
x: That's right. You can't trust someone you don't know. It's a defense mechanism. Very human nature! But you be surprised if you found out who I am. A speck of dust in your eyes.
me: So why are you doing this?
x: Doing what? Just impressed that after all these years you became a more refine, articulate, well mannered Patrick Chua. At least, you are not just one of the unknown.
me: ...
x: Sometimes, the student do forget their teacher. And it would take some event for them to realize that what they learn is not enough. Humility is a virtue :-x
me: ...
x: "On the farther side of the street" my identity is written on the bottom of this message. Good Luck!

Hmm.. interesting? hehe.. I now know who he is.. After a lot of emotional and mental brain draining, he finally told me who he was! (With a lot of negative comments nevertheless) hehe... Someone I knew way before my world started to be conscious. He's my friend and mentor... haha.. I still wasn't able to surpass my master. ;) I wonder what he does right now.. Well, he maybe having a meeting with Kofi Anan right now.

posted by Pat @ 10:44 PM 0 Comments

Seeing the big picture

the turtle found itself upside down somehow and spins around on the floor with legs kicking in the air.

the turtle faces yet another great obstacle in its banged-up little life.

what's it to do next?-

This is the disease of being young. Being clueless too often. Being hopeless too soon.

We have vague ideas about life and purpose. Older people tell us to strive and to work and to dream most importantly.

It's simple when you're 80 and looking back at your life. It's anything but, when you're twenty and just beginning.

It's crazy to face an immaculate white canvas trying to decide what kind of life painting you want to create, when you're not even sure what your tools are and don't know some colors even exist.

It's hard to see the "bigger picture."

It's hard. yeah. but let's just start to paint, shall we not? :)

posted by Pat @ 4:16 PM 0 Comments

recently, i have been asking myself: why does it always rain on me?

Then it dawned to me, that sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know. Sometimes our visions clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears.

Lots of people say that i deserve better. I beg to differ. I deserve the best. Why would i settle for anything less? Why bother to waste my time with someone with nice packaging but rotten insides? It feels good to love too much but it's not right. Maybe it's about time people fall sanely in love.

posted by Pat @ 3:19 PM 0 Comments

sleepless me...

i haven't slept last night and the whole day.. i'm off to work now.

posted by Pat @ 7:03 PM 0 Comments

Love song

this song by vienna teng is one of the very few love songs that doesn't mention the word "love" once in the entire song but remains beautiful and powerful nevertheless. exactly how love should be...felt, given- not said.

Eric's Song

strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
strange how I know inside you
my hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze

and of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
you pick up the pieces
and the ghosts in the attic
they never quite leave
and of course I forgive
you've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
my voices and analogies
ambitions like ribbons
worn bright on my sleeve

strange how we know each other
strange how I fit into you
there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
strange how you fit into me
a gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs

and with each passing day
the stories we say
draw us tighter into our addiction
confirm our conviction
that some kind of miracle
passed on our heads
and how I am sure
like never before
of my reasons for defying reason
embracing the seasons
we dance through the colors
both followed and led

strange how we fit each other

strange how certain the journey
time unfolds the petals for our eyes to see
strange how this journey's hurting
in ways we accept as part of fate's decree

so we just hold on fast
acknowledge the past as lessons exquisitely crafted
painstakingly drafted
to carve us as instruments
that place the music of life
for we don't realize
our faith in the prize unless it's been somehow elusive
how swiftly we choose it
the sacred simplicity
of you at my side

vocal, piano - Vienna Teng

posted by Pat @ 5:18 PM 0 Comments

Instant Gratification

I received an email tonight. One of my agent got promoted to Quality Evaluator. I'm happy and I feel fulfilled. I feel I didn't raise a team of failures after all. Success after all, depends on how my team grows, how I can develop them to become future leaders. There is for me, no greater achievement than knowing that I have been a part of someone's growth.

I recently purchased kalsada.com... still have no idea of what to do with it though. I just found the name catchy! hmm.. trying to think of doing either a personals site, or an events site.. am I too literal?

Heard the song If I ain't got you last night... I love the rhytm.

posted by Pat @ 2:36 PM 0 Comments

one of those times the dog barks and my heart jumps cause the first thing that comes to my mind is that maybe you've come back to surprise me to say sorry, or to keep me company, or to hug me, or to make up, or just because it's one of those sweet things to do.

this has happened maybe 160 times already and only once did you really ever turn out to be there.

i sigh.

(partly due to frustration but mostly, resignation)

i chose you, i remind myself.

and with you, the way you show your love.

posted by Pat @ 3:17 PM 2 Comments

in
every
action
there
is an
equal
reaction

posted by Pat @ 3:22 PM 0 Comments