The Wanderer and His Shadow

my life, at this point is plagued with uncertainties. my heart pains over things which shouldn't even matter anymore. i look to people close to my heart hoping for some form of affirmation that the decisions i made are the right ones, but i do not get any. omens have been silent for a while or maybe i have just lost the ability to see them. everything is still. disturbingly still.

people sometimes break your heart without them knowing it. it's not that they do anything to hurt you intentionally. Often it's just because of the things they don't do. the words left unspoken, that phone call never made, hell, even a text message that never comes. all of these create a poignant hole inside you and the hole gets bigger as time passes and then at some point you begin to think whether this hole is really doing something good for you because you seem to be making decisions that either leave the hole where it is, or make it even bigger.

someone broke my heart today. for the simple reason that this person did not tell me what i so pained to hear. this person broke my heart because this person did not help me believe that the decision i made was right and worth standing by, that the decision i made and am continuing to make is nothing out of the ordinary just something that happened because the circumstances warranted it.

all these words do little to calm me. i feel defeated once again. but i close my eyes with the hope that tomorrow will be better.

posted by Pat @ 4:43 PM 1 Comments

re: Dearest..?

Goodbye is seen in many ways, in many forms. It is in "goodbyes" that people go to another hiatus in their lives. More often than not, it is the one who was left behind the one feeling worse than the one who leaves. Footprints are made by the one who left, the scars for the one left behind to heal..

Lately, I've been experiencing various intense cycle of emotional pain. The past few days were a witness to my emotional depression.. unable to explain the reason behind the feelings, i may have committed the biggest blunder in my life. i wish i could just fade into my memories.. but who said that life was ever this easy...?

well, just maybe, i need to adjust myself now. having felt the pain again of being left by somebody special.. having felt the love that could have been surreal.. or perhaps love's really surreal in the sense that it takes us out of ourselves and when it leaves.. it prints a scar in our hearts that will forever be left unhealed.. for the questions of love are beyond human comprehension. and the risk to take are far from the discernment.

Or maybe perhaps love really is but just a product of human language. a fathomable flaw of human understanding. it is a depth beyond human inteligence..

Therefore love may just be a penetrating blood since it's piercing my heart deep inside after being left by someone special. in which case i surmise that maybe.. just maybe, that love exist only in relation to non-love. which is true with happiness.. as kahlil puts it that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

now, the complexities of this relationship has taken me to re-think the future that's in store. well, i guess two people in the same work roof cannot last long. i plan to finish just my three months here and maybe just accept the offer that has been pending for a long time in HK. maybe fate wants me there. or maybe, just maybe, that love will cease to exist, for in memory, pain dwells. and in the heart, dwells love.

hmm... simple, it's so easy to remember yet so hard to forget.

posted by Pat @ 10:40 AM 0 Comments

There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. ... there are some loves that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever. and i'm very lucky to have that one person!

posted by Pat @ 9:09 PM 0 Comments

The truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.

But at some point we have to face this certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing -- hmmm...

posted by Pat @ 9:08 PM 0 Comments

another testimonial i wrote..

MS Coi is a born leader. The epitome of passion, focus, and consistency. I don't know if this is because of DNA or something. it is almost impossible to have a dull moment with this lady! I could fill this with things to tell about her but i prefer to keep it to myself for the moment. in a nutshell, coi is the next close thing to the word PERFECT.

posted by Pat @ 2:57 PM 0 Comments

names..

Your first name of Patrick creates a serious, thoughtful nature, shrewd, efficient, and business-minded. You are one to make your own decisions, and not be influenced by others. You desire independence and freedom from the authority and interference of others. You are not overly ambitious, preferring instead just to seek stable, settled conditions which are adequate to meet your responsibilities. You like to be your own boss and you capable handle responsibilities for others.

Source: Kabalarians.

posted by Pat @ 5:20 PM 0 Comments

Analogy of the Cave...

One of my favorite philosophy in life that I usually follow is one with regards to Plato's cave. One of my favorites, and I do believe that the Matrix or other sci-fi stories, are pretty much made from the inspiration of this analogy -

"Imagine a dark, subterranean prison in which humans are bound by their necks to a single place from infancy. Elaborate steps are taken by unseen forces to supply and manipulate the content of the prisoner's visual experience. This is so effective that the prisoners do not recognize their imprisonment and are satisfied to live their lives in this way. Moreover, the cumulative effects of this imprisonment are so thorough that if freed, the prisoners would be virtually helpless. They could not stand up on their own, their eyes would be overloaded initially with sensory information, and even their minds would refuse to accept what the senses eventually presented them. It is not unreasonable to expect that some prisoners would wish to remain imprisoned even after their minds grasped the horror of their condition. But if a prisoner was dragged out and compelled to understand the relationship between the prison and outside, matters would be different. In time the prisoner would come to have genuine knowledge superior to the succession of representations that made up the whole of experience before. This freed prisoner would understand those representations as imprefect - like pale copies of the full reality now grasped in the mind. Yet if returned to the prison, the freed prisoner would be the object of ridicule, disbelief, and hostility."

Now, you have an overview of the analogy. Many times in our life, we do something that is beyond the norm, but rather than being believed in, we are killed by the perception of what others think is "normal".. Ladies and Gentlemen.. there is nothing so "normal" in this world.. those claiming so should first define the otherwise!

posted by Pat @ 5:52 PM 0 Comments

ubermensch

Ubermensch is a work of a german philosopher. The idea from where Superman came... it means "over-man" in German. Nietzsche, the one who started out ubermensch is actually one of my favorite philosopher. I'm fascinated with the theories that he has. He was the one who proclaimed that God is dead! wow... also, my understanding of the over-man is that the theory of evolution actually sprang from the ape, then the human being, then shall come the ubermensh.. or the over-man. Man is something that needs to be overcomed. I'll tell you more about these, and some other insights regarding eternal recurrence when I get to finish my analysis of this fine philosopher.

Well, tomorrow's our last day of training, and we'll becoming Team Lead Trainees by Tuesday. I suggested that we used it as our group name a while ago and my co-trainees were actually quite fascinated about the word and quite curious about the idea. Our group name was then narrowed down to a choice between "ubermensch" and "vetruvians" after a series of votings a while ago, but we're yet undecided. .

I strongly feel that we as individuals need to go out of our own self, so that we'll be able to overcome human beings and stay on top of the evolution ladder. Today's cruel crazy laden world is a world where only the fittest survive. We need to train and develop ourselves to reach a higher goal in humanity. By achieving it, we'll be going higher than what others have gone before.

Anyway, I'm here again, uttering senseless thoughts.. I'm excited for days ahead.. I'll be posting some insights about caves and other philosophical stuff.. and of course, don't forget to wear green this wednesday.. It's my day again.. It's St. Patrick's Day! :D

posted by Pat @ 11:00 PM 0 Comments

feelings

well, just got home and i feel exceptionally inspire(d) today!!! as to what aspect, well, i've finally finished drafting the words to charm Dsquareplumbing.com! now there's goes substance, though it's so hard thinking about the "D's" sometimes.. now, i'll be focusing more with the framework and design on which i'll have to consult with my partners! :) it'll bring me great joy to have it finished (except for the products page) by mid april. well, as you may have observed, my personal site resides in the same servers (though I have to confess that I've done more things for my personal site than that which i was tasked to do for a long time now). yeah.. that could explain the reason why i haven't been updating my site, though i have the wildest dreams about turning it into something .... soooo me! :) now, you know that when d2 goes down, i'll go down with it as well! hehe... and for those enthusiast who wants to know what has been written so far, i apologize but as of the moment, due to confidentiality, i'm unable to (d)ivulge nor (d)isclose what I have made so far. but as soon as we set it up at our beta site i'll be happy to (d)iscuss it's content for you! and oh, by the way.. post something on our forums or even have a visit at our chatroom maybe you'll find your inspiration there too!

Well, it's morning now, and i feel so hyped! I just wish that I won't fail tonight's mega assessment exam! for the bringer of inspiration! thank you! =) err.. now competition has something to worry about now...

posted by Pat @ 7:32 AM 0 Comments

mission and vision statements

yesterday, at our team leader development program training, our instructor for this workshop, Joji Aguila asked each one of us to create our mission and vision statement. She said that to be able to reach a goal, one must be able to put it into writing. To my aghast, it took me a long time before i can put into words what my missions were, and i had to dig through my subconscious mind finding the right mix of words... cautious as to not sound like an over achiever, while maintaining the same principles that i've upheld eversince my consciousness begun... what felt hard to write one though is that i rarely write something that focuses on the "i" thing... well anyway, here's the little symphony of my informal mission and vision statement. I would appreciate some comments on it though :) --

Mission Statement:

I have always lived life differently. Always choosing the road less travelled by. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. Though, what drives me is my unrelentless passion and dedication for excellence in whatever field I endeavor.

Life should never be about age, sex, religion, language, or even citizenship. It may sometimes do, but I hope I’ll be able to impart to others the language of understanding, tracing my roots as a management and a sociology graduate, rather than being closed minded about personal indifference. I believe in the language of action. I also believe in the combination of intelligence, spontaneity, and sensitivity in everything I do. I also believe that there is no actual right or wrong in this world.. It’s just two sides that seem to misunderstand each other.

I value honor, and good character above everything else. I am a traditional believer of hard work. Life, for me, is a voyage with no destination, and that life’s greatest achievement is not what we’ve done but what we’ve learned. I am a man fully alive for the passions in life and setting on this journey through life, I hope I’ll be able to grace others with my presence, to serve others with no ulterior motive, to make a difference in someone else’s life, and to contribute to making this world a better place to live.

Vision Statement:

In five years:

 I’ll be able to finish more webdesign and advertising portfolio for bigger clients while maintaining the same enthusiasm with my present SME clients.

 I’ll be able to finish some of my philosophical works and writings and have them published.

 I’ll be able to finish up a masteral degree in agricultural engineering and a doctorate degree perhaps, and be able to finish up another course apart from the present sociology and management courses.

 I’ll be able to finish my certification for MCSE.

 I’ll be able to make a BIG difference in the countless lives of other people.

well, did i miss anything.. i believe i do.. however, i still don't know how to put it to words yet.. until then, i'll just be happy that i have one. but going there is another part of the story.

posted by Pat @ 3:10 AM 0 Comments

I Like for You to be Still

I like for you to be still
It is as though you are absent
And you hear me from far away
And my voice does not touch you
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
And it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth
As all things are filled with my soul
You emerge from the things
Filled with my soul
You are like my soul
A butterfly of dream
And you are like the word: Melancholy

I like for you to be still
And you seem far away
It sounds as though you are lamenting
A butterfly cooing like a dove
And you hear me from far away
And my voice does not reach you
Let me come to be still in your silence
And let me talk to you with your silence
That is bright as a lamp
Simple, as a ring
You are like the night
With its stillness and constellations
Your silence is that of a star
As remote and candid

I like for you to be still
It is as though you are absent
Distant and full of sorrow
So you would've died
One word then, One smile is enough
And I'm happy;
Happy that it's not true

-pablo neruda

posted by Russ @ 2:15 AM 0 Comments

a story to live by...

A rabbi committed an infraction grave enough to call down a judgement from above. The divine voice notified the Rabbi that because of his sin, he had forfeited his place in heaven. He would be barred from Paradise in the world to come.

Upon hearing this judgement, the Rabbi burst into a joyous dance. Perplexed, his students asked him how he could be so cheerful upon hearing that he was refused entry into Paradise. The Rabbi explained: "All my life, I always suspect that my good deeds had an ulterior motive. Whenever I fulfilled the commandments, I envisioned the reward I would receive for my good deeds. Now, for the first time, I can serve God purely without any hidden agenda.

-The Talmud

posted by Pat @ 9:14 AM 0 Comments

everyone needs to be found

lost in translation finally hit movie screens here in the philippines and i watched it with my boy. all throughout the movie, i was trying to figure out what moved so many critics to lauding it as one of the best films of last year. it isn't hard to understand why.

while i am a fan of hollywood and the usual hollywood summer blockbuster, i am also a fan of good storytelling. what i loved most about the film was the understated performances of both its lead performers. there's no heavy drama, no great monologues. it's all just there in the air. it's like you can almost feel it when bob and charlotte gaze each other. the tension. the chemistry. it's all so palpable. i'm thankful that kirsten dunst isn't in the role since sofia originally wrote the script with her in mind. scarlett's subtle mannerisms are just so beautiful. the way her voice breaks a little. her coy smile. this girl is one helluva a charmer. and we feel what bob feels just looking at her.

their dynamic manages to carry the film even with the sparse but apt dialogue. that's the real beauty of the film to me. the title and the story all play into the idea that sometimes, words are unneeded. they even become a hinderance to truly experiencing something or someone. whenever there are scenes where bob talks to his wife or charlotte to her husband, it actually feels like words are a burden. the conversations always seem to take so much effort that it drains them.

my favorite scenes in the movie are when their characters don't speak at all but what is happening around them seems to speak for them. that scene on the hotel bed with their reflections floating above the city lights outside the window. or the awkward moment when they're boiling sushi at a restaurant just as they are on the brink of an argument.or the fire that brings them to a necessary reconciliation. the symbolisms just really made me think a lot.

and that whisper that just makes you think about how we, as people, sometimes wait too long to say what we need to say.

sometimes, we take what we say for granted. we always have so much to say but never really say what people need to hear. or what we want them to hear.

posted by Russ @ 2:03 AM 0 Comments

"What's it all about..."

Dearest R.:

Yesterday afternoon I walked to Wendys, to eat a lunch of "pasta arabbiatta", which is pasta covered with a mildly spicy tomato sauce, savory herbs and small chunks of lightly braised chicken. For some reason, you were on my mind as I sat down to eat, mockingly stared at by the ever-present high school boys in unattractive school uniforms, who have a habit of insolently casting scornful look on all foreigners, all elderly people, all small children and anyone else to whom they feel superior.

What was stirring thoughts of you in my relaxed consciousness was the sharp change in seasons which we are experiencing here in Manila. Suddenly, as if on command from Heaven itself, the graceful trees around have leafed out in shades of lightest green...and the gnarled old cherry trees are once again opening with frilly pink cherry blossoms in what promises to be a stunningly gaudy display of color within the next few days. The battered shells of the pond turtles have once again appeared after their long hibernation deep in the oozing mud at the bottom of the moat. Summer!!!!!...in all of it's exuberant glory has returned and brings with it the hope of better things yet to come for all of us...including YOU!!!!!

So, with thoughts like this swirling and mixing in dance-like patterns in my mind, I started to eat my simple lunch, trying to imagine what you must be thinking about as the seasons change in your part. Then, almost imperceptibly, I noticed a song in the background music playing in the restaurant, as trains thundered overhead. I didn't recognize the voice of the female songstress, but the song itself was a classic from long ago (1962) which I've occasionally heard on "oldies" radio stations. Listening to the words electrified me, as their meaning hit my heart with pinpoint accuracy... BULLSEYE!!!!!! Their sentiment was so clear, so unmistakable, so unexpectedly apropos to my mood, that I started to have quiet tears form in my eyes. Why did I cry, with a smile on??? Because of the sheer beauty of the thoughts, which I so wanted to share with YOU!!!

So, this early morning, when I got back, I searched the Internet to try and find the words to this classic song for you, and to my delight, I have them. My cold is finally abating, despite long, long work hours, so I feel more "chipper", with a powerful desire to send off something of real value to you to express my deep appreciation for the fragile electronic connection which we have established between you and your home. I really hope that these words will have some shade of meaning to you, as they did when I happened to hear them yesterday afternoon...

"WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT, ALFIE? "

By Burt Bacharach and Hal David

"What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live"
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give,
Or are we meant to be kind?

And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
Then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
What will you lend on an old 'Golden Rule'?

As sure as I believe there's a Heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something more,
Something even non-believers can believe in.

I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find true love you've missed,
You're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way,
And you'll find love any day, Alfie...Alfie...Alfie"

These past few nights of unremitting work, long hours and excessive demands leave me mentally tired but yet quietly happy for the tenuous connection that I have with you. My talents are so meager, my accomplishments in life are so sparse, my value to the world is so scant. Yet deep within me I feel as though there must be some authentic value in sincere sentiments, clearly expressed, even if the world around us rushes headlong towards greater and greater superficiality and ever more grotesque forms of unabashed materialism.

Sometimes I feel like a wayward misfit in the modern world, especially the x world, because I care nothing for shopping for trinkets, buying luxuries or seeking hedonistic pleasures. My tastes seem out of kilter (= ill-matched) with the prevailing vogue for "cute", "m", "hs", "rich" people. Of course these are all very attractive things to see...but they tell me ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL about the person inside of the body and face and big bank account. Strange, but to this day I've rarely known a truly HAPPY or CONTENTED "cute", "m", "hs" or "rich" person...they inevitably seem frustrated by the inner emptiness of their privileged lives. And as I've written before, I've never once heard of a couple "breaking up" because of the "looks", "attractiveness" or "wealth" of one of the partners. It ALWAYS seems to happen as a result of character deficiencies and personality conflicts.

Yet, despite all of this, the world, including the x world, rushes onward towards those who are outwardly "cute", "h", "ms" or "rich" in the ultimately vain hope that they might also be the "best" partners or companions. What is wrong with my thinking??? Why am I so 'out of tune' with the values of those around me??? Why am I so insistent and determined that a sincere, playful, intelligent, honest, kind, generous inner character in a guy is worth 10,000 times more than all of the cute or handsome faces, muscular bodies and enormous bank accounts in the world???

Probably because in my life I LISTEN to people...lots and lots of people. And over and over again the aged, the middle-aged, those far wiser and far more experienced in the ways of the world than I could ever hope to be, tell me that outer appearances ultimately are no more than a canard, meaning nothing. That true friendship and love spring forth only from the deepest inner qualities of warmth, compassion, courtesy, humor, patience and mutual self-respect. So I'm satisfied to continue my life in my own quiet, unobtrusive way, appreciating the good in those around me and hoping for better days to come for you, for me, and for us.

They are kind of crazy, aren't they??? But, for variety's sake I've sent them on to you. So often I wish that I could somehow give to you a suitable gift to express my satisfaction and appreciation for your love, but for now all that I can offer to you are my words and my fervent hopes for your continued happiness.

With Smiling Best Regards, Yours,

pat

posted by Pat @ 1:15 AM 0 Comments