Sitting Down Here
Here's one of my favorite songs...
Sitting Down Here
-Lene Marlin
Sitting Down Here Your words cut rather deeply,
They're just some other lies
I'm hiding from a distance,
I've got to pay the price
Defending all against it,
I really don't know why
You're obsessed with all my secrets,
You always make me cry
You seem to wanna hurt me
No matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you
But I've learned how to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me, kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not really hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
I'm trying not to avoid you,
Just don't wanna hear your voice
When you call me up so often,
I really don't have a choice
You're talking lie you know me
And wanna be my friend
But that's really too late now,
I won't try it once again
You may think that I'm loser,
That I don't really care
You may think that it's all forgotten,
But you should be aware
Cause I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not really hiding, not like a shadow
But sure I wanna join you one day
Here are some of the pictures I took when I attended the wedding reception of a friend---
"Lover's play a game of no and yes. Of stop and go, of wait and fate..too late. Lover's play games to save face...."
To be or not to be.... that isn't the real question.
As with a sudden twist of fate, I was transformed from being the only child to being the eldest brother of four other sibblings. Tonight, I met my half brothers and sister. The oldest being 17, and the youngest seems like he's only 8 years old. Wow... I was aghast at the funeral parlor and felt awkward on how I should treat them. We met at my grandmother's wake, smiled after being introduced, and I sighed myself thinking what they could be thinking about me.
Alright, 23 years of being alone, and suddenly, I have to act as a model to my four other halflings... Hmm.. I wonder why they're eyes all look better! hehe... Now, I wonder, should I be including them in my dreams? We all have the same father and the same blood that runs through us.
Personal life aside, it’s been an action packed week, and for obvious reasons I would rather not talk about it right away. Yeah I am pretty sick of repeating the same things over and over and over UGHHHH. Of course, I mean to analyze it eventually when my thoughts are less like overcooked noodles. Suffice to say, just when I think I am immune to surprises someone comes along and knocks me for a six.
The only thing that I am excited about right now is gathering information on businesses. I have been looking for credible intelligent trustworthy people to serve in the future board of directors for Prescind Technologies (Inc.). I would be needing at least five. But eight seems to be a good number. Apart from my design and technology partners, I plan to look for money -half a million for a start to infuse in this new company we're forming. Capital coupled with idea makes a business. But it is not enough to have just both. To grow a business, from my experience, one needs to have the "passion" on making ideas and dreams possible, and have people with the same passion for the mission and the vision we want to achieve. Prescind Technologies shall be the primary holding company for all the projects that we will be undertaking.
I am very restless. I have been very indecisive lately. There’s no way to foresee or know which future course is the best for me and for the greatest number. Now, I know I have an additional four others to take care off, businesses, and the many others whose lives depends on me.
All my decisions would have a direct impact on my partners, my family, my other half brothers and siblings, those whose daily living is directly/indirectly dependent on me. All this adds to the burden of making the right move. My mind used to be pretty much made up. I am now basing my decision on what I believe would be the best for my partners, and my family today. I do not know if my decision is the right one as there is no way I can see my way through. All I can do is discover what my deepest intuition prompts me to do... What careful analysis and my foresight would tell me. Listen to what my instincts tell me. I just wish my heartbeats would stop pounding, so that I can listen to what my instincts tell me.
What do I really want? Love, Adventure, Security, companionship, Freedom....*sigh. Guess I want it all!!
Note to myself
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Let's all drink to that!!!
P.S. I'm planning a house party (or a Chili's party) to my closest friends and Patronus. I miss alchohol!
Knock, Knock, Knocking on heaven's door
"Opportunity, faxed me, Emailed me, spammed me, texted me......But I was waiting for it to knock."I read this on the display board on my way home tonight and was really amused. It's so very true that often we spend half our lives waiting for the
perfect setting in life. A perfect lover, a perfect job, the right time, the right place, In short the perfect setting. Very few of us know how to grab life by its mane and ride away into the sunset. I happened to be one of those miserable person who keep waiting for the perfect setting to start living. Though, I have began to understand that it's high time I realize that nothing comes in "neat-and-easy-to-cut-packages", and that the only way you can live life is by actually grabbing opportunities rather than waiting for perfect risk free situations to fall into your laps.
There is this extract from a book I never completely finished, but these lines still haunt me every time I dither or hesitate to try out something new. Which, I hasten to add, is happening with frightening frequency these days.
I have realized that sometimes you get no second chance and it is best to accept the gifts the world offers you. Of course it's risky, but is the risk any greater than the chance of the bus that took forty-eight hours to bring me here having an accident? What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back where I came from because I didn’t have the courage to say 'yes' to life?
*sigh!*
Lately I have been consumed with a lot of complicated thoughts. So much so that I am rapidly loosing focus of what I want from life. I am once again getting caught up in the web of indecision and complicated thoughts. Afraid to grab opportunities, scared of how my actions today will affect me and especially others tomorrow. I was discussing this with "someone" the other day, after watching me twist and turn in my agonizing thoughts, "someone" suggested that I need to make a list of the things I want to do and tick them one by one as I achieve them. I moaned about how this was easier said than done and then asked "someone"
Me: "Do you have a list too?"
"Someone": "Yes of course, I do."
Me: "Tell me how your list goes."
"Someone: "My list is very simple. It's -
To live for the moment ..And I tick this every moment."
Touche!
So.. tonight I went out with my partner along with his wife, rss and khay. We went to Bagarde and watched Barbie's cradle. Tat won herself a Bagaberde shirt courtesy of RT by making Andrew tell the whole crowd and look straight at her eyes how much he loves her... (wooh.. sweeeet =)
Rss enthusiasm with the event launching of C2 has been very inspiring. I was marvelled how he was able to craft the design of the event and took the initiative to form an events team to handle what I want to describe as the "magnanimous" of events. Well, that's how I perceive it would be. That's how I wanted it to become. So, I got to straighten myself back again after being almost fallen, and try not only to have things working... but also to have something others wouldn't have thought about.
This is not just about me, or my partners, or Russ, or whoevers.... but I shall dedicate this to the nameless agents working for a common goal of supporting customers. This is their empowerment. This site shall be their solace.
Here are some of the pictures taken during her v-day gig...
Khay, Barbie, Andrew, Tat (and of course, I took the picture :p)
Grandmother and St. Valentine
I was shocked when I went back from a long day at work and the house looks lit at quarter to five in the morning. My grandmother passed away few hours ago and I didn't even know until I got home. Well, my mom texted me in the wrong number. They were all asleep in my mom's room, afraid of what just happened.
So much for a "happy" valentine's day this year.. I have to learn a lot to learn about the culture when someone in the family dies... I just don't know anything about it.
Oh well, I will take life as seriously as possible, although still looking at the bright sideof things. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. The reason may not be clear but i believe its part of the great design of life.
If someone ask me to describe myself... Hmm, what can I say, I always found it difficult to describe myself. I am just a cunning collection of contradictions. With solitude written all over me. Simplicity is all that you can see. Prefering silence is a nature that is embedded in me.
When I was young, I used to also have the same dilema as to how to differentiate love from responsibility. Being responsible for a person entails love. We all love our family, but we didn't have the freedom to chose them. We may be responsible for our children for instance, but does that really mean we love them? What separates love and responsibility?
I believe love is attained when one is open for it and to its many forms and manifestations.Situations of quite difficulty arise when love is put at the test in order for it to be found by experience to be true and sincere. When the good is taken account of out from the occurrences experienced, love is maintained through having a meaningful relationship in the context of openness to each other, trust and confidence in each one, and being able to accept wholly and totally the person for who the person is, with the utmost understanding and appreciation. Love is then sustained by way of exploration of each other’s self and the matters and manners that would spice love more and vigorously through time. Love attained is maintained thoroughly and must be sustained accordingly in order for it to be anew and renewed. One’s path in love is determined by one’s willingness and actions at it. Love is a fount that one can gain aspirations and ideals in establishing a mutual and intimate relationship with one’s fellow. But it is in one and one’s mate that determines the course of their relationship. Love is not always enough to suffice and sustain the growth of each one as a person involve in a relationship, but it becomes the foundation for a person to grow as a complete being. And when at times the errs of one or of the other took the relationship at its toll, then love becomes the source of nourishment for the weakening spirit and find strength to continue on moving along the pavements of life, and to serve as a guide and reminder that one is a loving person capable to share one’s love and be loved and to love again. complicatedly simple. that is how I saw LOVE.
My grandmother passed away. My grandmother is the symbol of the whole Chua clan being the oldest living person in the family. She is the mother of my father. She died a difficult death, with no one except my family who took care of her in her existence. My dad has seven other brothers and sisters but no one took the courage of taking care of my grandmother. Only my mom did... and she always tells us how cruel the world is....
I remember my mom used to tell us before that if only my grandmother owns a fortune, all my dad's brothers and sisters would take care and get my grandmother. But the situation is, my grandmother has nothing to offer them. And I would equate my mom's kind heartedness to let my grandma live in the house, as a sign of true nobility and the highest form of character. Even my dad has been busy with other stuff and is not able to attend to his mother's needs. Well, they may have they're own reason for doing what they do... but whatever the case maybe, I hope they all remember their mom as the person who brought them to where they are right now. And I pity my dad's sisters and brothers for not doing all they could to show the love that my grandmother so truly deserve.
All those situation made me think.. are people incapable of loving without a fortune? Where is responsibility? Where is love? What is economics in proportion to love? A cruel world isn't it...
Birthday party, slyeye, and some pre-valentine ranting
Before going to work, I went to my god son's birthday party. Met a lot of Patronus members, and seen a lot of familiar face. Before I went there, Ryann, my tech guy who's now teaching in Ateneo de Zamboanga is also here in Manila, but he'll be leaving tonight to go to Ateneo de Naga to observe animation students there.
Going back to the party, I met slyeye (andrew's sister), no formal introduction whatsoever though... and she sure is not only of substance but also of beauty. Beauty so natural, that it seems perfect for the human eye to conceive. I got the privilege to see her magnanimous beauty emulate from a far, and upto now, still thinks about the short span wherein our eyes locked up for a split second. I hope I'll be able to spend some time to know her not only through the binary beauty of her words but in person where I can see her facial expression as we talk about life.
Lately I've been wondering, and i've been awed by the odd ways our fates work. Never have i imagined that the world could be this small. How people cross each others' lives, and how in a moment, everything could change. I believe that I'm young, for i've so much to learn yet...
Throughout my life, i have learned, that sometimes, things have to wait. I have learned that judgments are not like kitchen refuse to be just thrown away, they have to be carefully constructed in the most possibly unhurting way. I have also learned that life isn't just about you, neither is it just about me, but its also about them, him, her, or maybe, it. It's about all of us.
I also find it fascinating how things work accordingly. Surely for the Christians, someone superior is up there, watching every move we make, the sole architect of every single event that takes place here on earth. But for me, i'm content just to believe that the mysteries of life are beyond our human comprehension. I believe no prophet could ever prophecize what the future holds. No Golden Buddha could grant the fortunes of an individual. No sacred cross could bring upon salvation. Some things are better left unsaid. Who wrote the book of Genesis anyway? So when i ask myself WHY I met slyeye, I don't really know. And I don't care what the answer might be. I'm just thankful we did.
Well, I'm here again at work finishing my last week in training. I miss my team. I miss being at a real work environment where the pressure is high, and where every second counts. Whatever I do, Patronus will serve as my inspiration, remembering once that even a diverse group of people, just as long as there's teamwork coupled with the labor of love, when put together, could achieve a common goal that will surpass those that does not do it with joy.
Finally, I have a Valentine's Song for R. I hope you like it. :)
Here Without You
(3 Doors Down)
A hundred days had made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face
I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
The miles just keep rolling
as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated
but I hope it gets better as we go
I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love
To all the people I love... Cheers and wish you a happy heart's day!
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
This has been a strange week. I feel like I am living in some kind of suspended animation. I haven't the faintest clue as to what I want to write, or what I really feel. I am neither happy nor am I particularly sad. I guess I can safely say that I am swinging between feeling a little lost and a lot lonely. This isn't the type of loneliness that I can drive away by chilling out, or spending time with family and friends. This is the loneliness that follows me like a sinister shadow. Casting its dreary gloom over my very soul. I don't know what to do, because I do not know why I feel the way I do. Why this aching loneliness never goes away. Why I feel so adrift, like a dry leaf being tossed around in a whirlpool of confusion.
The past week have been chaotic too, practically speaking. My lovelorn maid is again not in the mood, out of the blues. Leaving me in a massive lurch. At work the honeymoon period got over around the same time. We've been having assessments by the dozen. Everything seems topsy turvy. I come home and the house looks like a miniature ‘Hiroshima’ disaster. *sigh. I remember leaving the house pristine clean and coming back to this disaster was the last straw. A good cry and a few hours later I managed to restore some semblance of an order.
Not too much though!A friendship that had gone sour finally breathed its last this week. I would rather not talk about it as the pain is too sore, and it's a pointless exercise anyway. The whole thing just added to my misery, leaving a bitter taste in my already bitter palate.
On the other side T. is driving me nuts with her enthusiastic attempts to patch up. Taking full advantage of my weakness, my obvious inability to hurt her. Things are beginning to get out of hand. She refuses to accept that I have walked out on her and this is just a temporary arrangement. I hate the person who said it's never too late, because T. seems to keep throwing it on my face. Just because she has decided it's time to make changes in her life, suddenly I should forget months of fantasy abuse and fall along side her whims. When I refuse to play my part according to her script, she goes around with a sad puppy face, which unnecessarily makes me feel like I have committed a crime. Earlier she bullied me with blatant cruelty, now she is bullying me with subtle sugary words that make me gag. Nothing's really changed. I am getting bullied again and the very thought scares me. I don't want to fall back into that pit again.
It's taken me months, with the help of my close friends, to find my way out of my self-made maze. Yet, like the fatal hypnotic gaze of a venomous reptile, I find myself mesmerized to my doom. I cannot shake out of this apathy. At times I don't even try. Somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost control. All of this is making me feel very cranky, moody, confused and lost. I know I must snap out of it and most of the time I manage to at least look cheerful, but deep in my heart I am plagued by some unknown fear. I am tired of feeling this way.
I remember the quote: "When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the depths of darkness of the great unknown, you must believe one of two things: Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly."
Physically tired, mentally bereft. I don't want to take the easy way out but I soooo wish I could fly.
Well, it's almost valentines, here's my poem for those in love.
Dedicated to R:
If love was....
If love was like a portrait,
what colors would I use?
Shades of pink,
a touch of gray,
or tones of red profuse.
If love was like a whole year round,
what season would I say?
A balmy noon, a winter’s night,
or a golden autumn’s day.
If love was like water,
what form would it take?
A bubbly spring, a turbulent sea
or a never-ending lake.
If love was like the universe
what section would it be?
The milky way,
the Venus bright,
or the entire galaxy.
If love was like a story in which style would it be?
an anecdote, a biography or a tragic comedy .......!!
The cock is crowing.. some new year thoughts
Finally, for those whose living the lunar way, it's the start of another year! In the making of this year, here's what Inquirer has to say for those born in the year of the Rooster--
"Your resistance is weak. Avoid being overworked to prevent pressure and tension. Beware of envious persons who will take advantage of you. Mind your own business. Be humble and patient, relax and take a rest to have a peaceful mind."
Seems that "luck" is not on my side this year. But I still believe in making our own destiny. Though I sometimes feel that there's an invisible hand that helps us in our endeavors. The work we do, the people we meet everyday.. They just don't come, or we don't just know them by accident.. People work hard but I believe one still needs an equal amount of "luck" in everything they do.
But who needs luck when all I ever wanted was to enjoy the ride in the carousel.
I spent new year's eve last night with my mom in Caloocan with some of her friends. Stayed there till 7 in the morning. While mom was busy preparing stuff for the visitors of her godmother, I was there sleeping, having been devoid of good sleep for the past 3 days.
This year is a critical year for me. But I will make this year a better year.. Well, it just has to be (living at the lowest point of my life.. can it really go lower than this?). I want to bring projects back to life. I want to be able to spend more quality time with my friends who hasn't felt my companionship over the past few months. I want to be more productive than ever. I want the person that I have to call "my better half" be really better than me and who'll really be always there for me. I want to know how to focus on the essentials. I want to make good decisions. And lastly, I want to be able to be touch more lives, be a part of them, making more people happy.
In short, I want to spend this year fully savoring every second of the day being productive. I want to bring "POETRY" back to my life. In a few months time, I'll be turning one year older... and the privilege of making another birthday wish... 23 wishes.. what more is there to wish for?
What's your purpose? Does it have to be in a box?
I just came back from watching the movie "Shall we dance?" together with sandykins, ryan and dennis. It was an inspiring movie that struck my inner emotions and worthy of mentioning. The movie was coincided with my decision to take up informal dancing lessons... (call me old fashion but that's one of my frustrations =) The scenes portrayed in the movie were very much lively.. all focusing on how we need to have "Passion" in everything we do. The opening scene, goes where Beverly Clark asked her husband who's celebrating his birthday... "What do you really want?" and gets vague answers that I recall myself giving to others too...
There's a problem with people these days. They have been mass consumerized.. People nowadays wanted fame and fortune. All material things that they tend to lose focus on what is essential.
It reminds me of how I look up to the Japanese culture.. their way of doing things that they know will be beneficial to the society rather than our culture who's mindset is focused on how to benefit oneself. If everybody in this world continue to think about their self interest first before the greater good, then I fear that the world we live in will be full of grave competition that will lead to people wanting MORE for themselves, doing whatever it takes to enrich their own lives, unable to think about the welfare of others. I believe in the utilitarian philosophythat we have to share ourselves to others in order to gain the "happiness" that is absolute. "Happiness" that shall remain.
Going back to the love story, I like the line when Beverly told the private investigator her views about marriage --
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
Touching. =) True enough... I believe in the value of a long term relationship.. and sometimes imagine how life would be like when my grey hair would occupy half of my youth.. scary. But it would be a blessing to have the person who you chose to love to be beside you.. accompany you.. grow old with you.
Unconditional.. or even mutual love is hard to achieve since almost everybody has their reasons for LOVING... it's rare to find people who'll accept the person who you are and serve you wholeheartedly with no ulterior motive... and I'll be inevitably delighted when I find such person.
Oops. have to cut my rantings short... have to leave for dinner now. :( I forgot it's Chinese New Year's eve. hehe.. oh well..
I remember someone telling me that only the wise can dance the rhythm of life... Well, I'm just starting to get the beat of dancing... :)
Happy New Year! Shall we dance?
Happy Ever Afters
I finally had a formal closure with someone who loved me so much... someone who sacrificed a lot just to be with me. It was a love story that never blossomed into a fairy tale happy ending. I don't know why...... I felt bad, and emotionally affected that I'm afraid of love and risk. Oh well, after R. all my relationships never lasted as long as I had hoped it would. I have always doubted, paranoid of what might happen. Delusive and afraid of making the wrong decision of giving everything again, and winding up being alone again. Or is it maybe I WAS not yet over R.. that all my relationships after R were merely fantasies of what might have been if we had lasted long enough... or probably, I loved that person so much that I'm afraid I will be hurt again by the same feeling I had.
Well, for my close friends who knew how R and I broke up.. and the emotional pain I went through just to be able to throw the person out of my system, I just feel that I'm already OVER. :)
Sometimes, romantic interlude could be completely safe. It's like swimming in a pool where the depth is clearly marked. You can't go any deeper, so you don't. You enjoy the thrill of testing new waters without any risk of drowning. Breakups are hell, and a fling can be the emotional equivalent of a trip to the Caribbean, leaving you relaxed and glowing. Besides, if you're like me and you gave too much in your last relationship, a post-breakup fling is a perfect primer for a healthy, me-first attitude. But I never learned to do that.
I just came home from xxx... I met four of my EXs at one place in one night. All of them share different stories about what happened to their lives. In those instance, I happened to sit down on each of them and chatted... hoping for their utmost happiness in whatever road they choose to partake.. thinking about what had gone wrong, and telling myself how I was able to hurt others, when in fact, I know the feeling of being hurt myself. Maybe, my defenses were just placed up high once I felt something wasn't right. I am being too subjective. I maybe stereotyping, haunted by the past that I had gone through.
Is it hard to find the right person? For me, all I want is someone who has high regards for character, has a little bit of confidence and humor, coupled with the right amount of intelligence, sensitivity and spontaneity. Someone who's being more natural, than being perfect. And someone who never cease to believe in "forever". I am already over R. It's been almost a year now.. I have to live life and love again. I have to learn to stand up again.
As Rss would tell me always... "Love is so short. Forgetting so long."
Well, the time to move on is NOW... I'm determined to find the right one for me by opening myself again, my emotions and vulnerabilities.
Nearly seven years of finding the right one. I've never felt more confident of finding that person. That's nearly seven years of helping love stories find happy ever afters.
