The Wanderer and His Shadow

testimonial.

x.. There is so much dreary conformity and tepid rationalization of mediocrity in this status quo-haunted world that it gives me a frisson of delight to know that an intrepid soul like x is actually my friend. What a privilege and what a thrill for me!!!!! Your friendship is such a wonderment to me because you have an unfettered mind and you're not afraid to envision life in new and better ways. x is a dear, warm, furry, moist, wonderful flesh and blood creation deserving of the best things in life! Always take care!!!

posted by Pat @ 1:53 AM 0 Comments

aux 9 - continuing education

Lately, i've been thinking about my life: the past, the present and the future.

With the recent events in my job, I've come to the conclusion that I could have done better, but if I did, i would have been more narrow in focus when it comes to what I've experienced. It's annoying to realize, but i think i've shotgunned my life.

I now have the option of becoming more focused with what i'm doing, but it will mean burning many bridges behind me. I don't think I'm emotionally prepared for that, so I'm on cruise control right now.

I enjoy the fact that i've experienced so much in my young life, but even though i now say that i have no regrets...well, I do. So many of my same-age friends are now in positions and jobs that are definitely one rank higher than my station in life, and though i know that i shouldn't envy them, I do envy the fact that they have more disposable income and freedom than I do. I can boast of having fulfilled so many of my dreams from my younger days, but that's the thing, isn't it: those dreams were from younger days.

I find now, as i grow older, that my dreams, goals and ambitions have changed. I want security, I want a stable job for the next few years, I want money that i can spend. it's not about being materialistic, just the thought that maybe most of my batchmates in school can probably buy their own car, live in their own apartment and actually start families, while i am still in the process of fulfilling my dreams of bygone days.

So when will I fulfill my dreams now? When I am even older? I may not have time. Let's face it: assuming i live long enough, a third of my life is done now. if i am to die early, i've got only 2/3 of my life left to do all the things that i want to do. Will I always be a step behind in making my dreams come true?

But wait; the thing is, I do fulfill my dreams - dreams which were not fulfilled in some of my friends. Is that a good thing? I can say that i've done what i set out to do - probably around a year ago. But now that i am about to be 23, am i close to my dreams when I was 16, or even last year's?

Perhaps i should have let go of those earlier ambitions.

I don't know; it's like having a map but no way to refer to it in my journey through life.

Do we cast away dreams that are meant only for the young?

Do we just follow the dreams of the present - to fulfill our needs and wants as our lives dictate at the moment?

Is the future simply a progression of needs and wants that change as we grow older - that our dreams are fickle, ever-shifting?

Should dreams be let go of?

I once dreamed that all i would need in life is happiness. Nowadays, what seemed so simple is so complex, that perhaps i should have been more specific.

I remember reading from a book by Salman Rushdie ("The Moor's Last Sigh"), about a man whose family had the habit of sleeping in times of trouble, to wake up in better days. I wish I, too, could fall asleep, and wake up to better days. But there maybe no better days.

Bah.

and so I should stick to my new credo in life: "Life is too short for sadness."

There's too much to do, too many dreams to fulfill, too many things - and now, I realize, at the right time - and so much of life to live. But I still feel like I've wasted so much time realizing that I have to live life, not dream it.

Well, hell yeah, I'm living my life too fast. Which gets me into thinking, I'm living my life as if I were an agent working in a call center on a shift with horrible forecasting and an unbelievably high volume of calls; one where in all agents are required to go on auto in without any breaks...even lunch. Maybe it's time for me to go on aux 9...take a deep breath and consider taking life's continuing education.

posted by Russ @ 3:24 PM 0 Comments

The past year has been in many senses a form of 'reality bath'.

Dear Friend:

Socrates, wisest of all humankind, stated:

"The unexamined life is not worth living."

I tend to agree. So it's very good to know that at this point in life YOU are looking about YOU to see what life's journey thus far has been about for YOU.

The past year has been in many senses a form of 'reality bath'.

Every week a new challenge resulting in a new lesson. Some turned out to be trivial, some turned out to be superficial, some turned out to be inconsequential, but some others provided a direct sense of life's throbbing pulse...a ceaseless flow carrying both yeah and nay, up and down, full and empty, refined and coarse, sturdy and brittle, eternal and transitory.

What did I learn from my experiences?

- That love exists but is a butterfly.

- That power and authority corrode sunshine.

- That dancing surpasses accounting.

- That spontaneity unfolds crimson wings.

- That contemplation never concerns deadlines.

- That forgiveness springs from champagne.

- That faith swims alongside sinners.

I've NEVER regretted even so much as one single peso spent on experiences of high quality. NEVER. Life's finer pleasures define the outer bounds of what is possible, whenever fate, fortune and friendship blend their magic to yield QUALITY.

I continue to hold that Robert Pirsig's book, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" teaches a lesson which needs to be heard in today's culture of rapid obsolescence.

Here are the American-style mantras which rouse me to shake off lethargy and do my best efforts in whatever duty I undertake:

"JUST DO IT !!!"

"WORK HARD, PLAY HARD !!!"

"GO FOR IT !!!"

"WHY NOT THE BEST ???"

"GO FOR THE GUSTO !!!"

"ANYTHING GOES !!!"

"MAKE SUCCESS HAPPEN !!!"

"EVERY MAN A KING !!!"

"GO FOR BROKE !!!

"NOTHING IS 'IMPOSSIBLE' !!!"

"ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE !!!"

"REAL ARTISTS SHIP !!!"

Putting a concerted focus on genuine quality in ALL aspects of one's life brings one a quiet confidence in the overall fitness and rightness of human life. Quality is a teacher of humility because it is so difficult to first attain, and once attained is so difficult to sustain.

I am able to live so modestly, in material terms, because I seek quality in the few things in my daily life. Truly good books. Truly good music. Truly good conversations. A truly good dog. Truly good friends.

KOKO is as rambunctious as ever!!! He's overdue for a bath, as his long coat has taken on a faintly dusty patina. He's cheerful, extremely playful, clean, affectionate, and invariably well-mannered. His difficult 'training' by me last year has resulted in a happy, pleasant little dog to have underfoot in my too-big room here.

I'm having far too much fun with my life!!! KOKO keeps me laughing...such a clown, even if he doesn't intend to be!!!

Although the work here is tough, the accomplishments are clearcut and rock-solid. I appreciate living in an optimistic environment, surrounded by intelligent, largely sincere people who truly want to enjoy life and do their part to make the world a better place for their having lived.

So, I'm CONTENTED!!! (Although I'll confess to YOU that on cold Manila nights I would LOVE to be soaking in a soothing hotsprings again!!!)

Your Intrepid Friend,

"pat"

posted by Pat @ 11:04 AM 0 Comments

Verse for YOU!!!

Dearest Friend:

Although no "breakthrough" has come to my job yet, I'm as determined as ever to find some sort of position in this company...although recent events seem to be needlessly complicating my efforts. But, after all, what's a little trouble and strife, but a tonic for one's creative faculties???

This morning as I slapped on my tired-looking bronze-hued shirt, I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald sing a song which immediately cried out to be sent to YOU!!! So here is a lyric for your reading pleasure, you connnoisseur of tasteful ditties, you!!!

"THINGS ARE LOOKING UP"
by George & Ira Gershwin

"If I should suddenly start to sing,
Or stand on my head, or anything,
Don't think that I've lost my senses,
It's just that my happiness finally commences.
The long, long ages of dull despair,
Are turning into thin air.
And it seems that suddenly I've,
Become the happiest guy alive!!!

Things are looking up,
I've been looking the landscape over,
And it's covered with four-leaf clover,
Oh, things are looking up,
Since love looked up at me!!!

Bitter was my cup,
But no more will I be the mourner,
For I've certainly turned the corner,
Oh, things are looking up,
Since love looked up at me!!!

See the sunbeams,
Every one beams,
Just because of YOU!!!
Love's in session,
And my depression,
Is unmistakably through!!!

Things are looking up,
It's a great little world we live in,
Oh, I'm happy as a pup,
Since love looked up at me!!!"



NOW, here's a little verse from ME to YOU:

IF lumbering reptiles swarmed the Earth again,
IF the moon was merely a swirl of formless dust,
IF turtles had wings, and foxes could soar,
IF peace broke out in cities worldwide,
IF small babies all remained innocent lifelong,
IF students truly studied diligently each day,
IF beauty and age and disability mattered not at all,
IF joy sprand open daily in every human heart,
IF kindness suddenly became "cool",
IF music replaced money as the world's desire,
IF truth was wealth and lies were debts,
IF x people were suddenly envied by all,
IF time was no longer a barrier but a door.

Would I ever again find a FRIEND as FINE as YOU???


Written From The Heart,
Your Unworthy Friend,

"pat"

posted by Pat @ 11:22 AM 0 Comments

roadtrip

guys, punta tayo LA UNION this saturday right after stonefree night. cge na. :)

posted by maysh @ 10:08 AM 0 Comments

Where'd you get such talent, Rusty???

Dear Rusty:
That's one fine poem!!! I read through it twice thinking to myself that you ought to do something to develop your obvious talent. Really insightful and honest writing.

I can see that you've been thinking and feeling deeply while you're so very far away from home in Manila. I hope that deep inside yourself you realize that you have been given a special gift of understanding that is a treasure to be developed and shared with the world.

With appreciation, Rusty, for the awesome gift of such a fine original poetry,

Your Appreciative Friend, Smilingly,

"pat"

posted by Pat @ 9:06 AM 0 Comments

only my heart

pat, this was the poem i was talkin about. the one that i saw while i was going over some old notes. just like barbie, i wrote this without anyone particular in mind. it's so odd that i find myself "writing" it all over again for you. here it goes...

only my heart

i do not dare even try to paint your portrait
i fear my hands do not have the skill to capture the perfection of your skin;
the curves of your lips, the gentle stucture of your face...
there are no colors rich enough to show the deep glow of your soft eyes...
that gleamed more delicately than the first rays of morning when i first gazed into them.

i cannot recreate the glimmer in your smile
that captured me when first i caught it...
over words and laughter...
nor can i do justice to the beauty of your soul
that beckoned to me
through tears and hesitation.

so instead i offer my heart
believing that it alone can express what my limited humanness cannot...
the joy of having been given this chance; these moments...
for it alone cannot be swayed and knows no distortion in its perception of you.

only my heart:
fashioned by a force greater than us both,
and tested by life and its many disappointments,
can truly capture that which the tangible world cannot.

my heart beats and i know it knows you...
memorized your flaws and seen beauty in them,
recognized your strength and awed at your goodness.

there is no music that compares to this rhythm in me
and there are no songs that compare to the moving power of your laughter...
your whisper...
your very breath.

my heart alone preserves my image of you...
ineffable and true;
a constant in a world of change.

posted by Russ @ 3:46 PM 0 Comments

if knowledge is power.. and power corrupts.. how will mankind survive?

posted by Pat @ 2:13 PM 0 Comments

what is love?

Love is about... sharing, caring, and trust.

According to me, love is more important than anything. Even more than my own life.

I am serious, I don't like playing around. When I am in love, it is true love. It is my style.

I am learning to love but afraid to get hurt. It is a contradiction.

posted by Pat @ 1:42 PM 0 Comments

Life's pasts..

Life is cruel and harsh. It is like a thousand thorns peircing through my heart. The pain is so intense, the blood rushes out showing it's hue, and it's warmth.

Then the senses goes numb, the consiousness fades. Everything becomes unimportant, even death.

Besides your own self, there is no one you can trust anymore...

I won't need anyone to promise me anything anymore. The more promises, the more scars will be left to heal.

I wish the clock can turn itself back...

I would just be an ordinary guy on another part of the world, facing a completely different life. Maybe life would be easier without love, it is too addictive, and too poisonous.

I am too intoxicated, all drained up and dry as a bone.

For a world like this, there is no sympathy. There is no time for scars to heal.

posted by Pat @ 1:22 PM 0 Comments

hi pat!

posted by maysh @ 7:07 AM 0 Comments

test

posted by Pat @ 2:58 AM 0 Comments

'S Wonderful, 'S Marvelous

Dearest Friend:

My cold is finally lessening, but it was a fairly
rough experience for me because my work demanded
full workdays and extra work from me.

Anyway, my cherished friend, I've also been
handicapped in communication with a lot of people
because... They gave me no notice at all of their
"blocking", so I've been stuck with effervescent
emotions to share with you but no means of sending
them out to you until just now. Please pardon my
unavoidable delay in sending to you my thoughts.

Last week, I received a letter from a pair of
friends, a husband & wife team of your landscape
architects. They just returned from a three-month
long visit to the United States and they were
disillusioned with what they saw there. Like so
many non-American, they had been seduced by the
carefully crafted, manipulative Hollywood
propaganda that falsely depicts the country as
being a land of equal opportunity and energy.
What they found was closer to the grim
truth...enormous racial prejudices, a hatred of
foreigners, a national obsession with youth,
beauty, wealth, and power, a lack of civility or
common courtesy, and a colossal arrogance on the
part of ordinary Americans toward foreigners.

My usually cheerful friends finally woke up to the
tawdry reality of the so-called American
Dream...it's only an illusion except for a few
isolated pockets, here and there, of very
privileged, pampered people. How I hope that you
are spared from ever coming face to face with the
cheaper, seamier realities of that country, which
is a nation with as many disadvantages as
advantages, except for those people who only want
to believe in puerile Disney-like fantasies.

What my friends couldn't believe was the
remarkable extent to which typical people are
infatuated with "good looks" and "beauty" without
regard to people's inner qualities. Sad, but
true... I replied to them by e-mail that people
NEVER seem to 'break up' or end relationships with
others because their partner is 'short' or
'homely' or 'old' or 'poor'. INEVITABLY human
romantic connections break as a direct result of
CHARACTER FLAWS. Yet modern people it seems, are
hell-bent on seeking out "Attractive", "Cute",
"Wealthy", "Very Young" partners. Madness!!!!
Lunacy!!!! A certain pathway to relationship
dysfunctionality!!!! But people persist in over
and over seeking out the most ephemeral
superficial qualities to the exclusion of all of
the things which really count and make for loyal,
reliable, solid, lasting, loving relationships.

Thank goodness YOU do not keep such limited,
shallow views about what matters in life and
friendship...

As you know, I literally DON'T CARE what good
people look like. The fact that the weakness of
my Internet Service Provider seem to block my
receiving of most graphics, including photos, is
NOT a 'disadvantage' from my point of view,
because it enables me to put all of my energies
into learning about character, personality and
deeper inner thoughts. And that, my bonny friend,
is why I so love to read your charming letters to
me. They do make me feel SO HAPPY!!!!

As I prepare to head off to another long night at
work, I'm fairly beaming with pleasure here in my
room, thinking of YOU, and listening to Ella
Fitzgerald sing this incomparably lovely, clever
song. Here are it's upbeat lyrics just for YOU!!!

" 'S WONDERFUL, 'S MARVELOUS !!! "
by George & Ira Gershwin

"...Don't mind telling you,
In my humble fash' (ion),
That you thrill me through,
With a tender pass' (ion).

When you said you care,
(I) 'magine my emot' (ion).
I swore then and there,
Permanent devot' (ion).

You made all other men seem 'blah',
Just you alone filled me with 'Ahhh!!!'.

'S Wonderful, 'S Marvelous,
You should care for me,
'S Awful nice, 'S Paradise,
'S What I love to see.
You've made my life so glamorous,
You can't blame me for feeling amorous.

O 'S Wonderful, 'S Marvelous,
That you should care for me.

'S Magnifique, 'S what I seek,
You should care for me.
'S Elegant, 'S What I want,
'S What I love to see.
My dear, it's four-leaf clover time,
From now on my heart's working overtime.

'S Exceptional, 'S No bagatelle,
That you should care for,
That you should care for,
That you should care for ME!!!!!"

It frustrates me...and saddens me a bit, too...to
realize that the marvelous artistry of Ella
Fitzgerald singing this swinging song isn't easily
available around here. If only I was a wealthier
guy, I'd gladly buy the CD of this and give it to
you to provide your ears a thrill. There's
nothing quite like great music to lift one's heart
beyond the clouds, unless it be a sweet e-mail
from a sincerely charming friend like YOU!!!!!

Matters of 'taste' fascinate me...I'm inevitably
favorably impressed by exceptionally 'good taste'
in design, in music, in choice of reading matter,
in choice of friends, etc. Truly 'classy' people
need not be wealthy or good-looking...but they
must have cultivated within themselves an
instinctive recognition of good taste, as opposed
to slavishly running after all of the ephemeral
vagaries of common trends. Mass tastes are
frequently shallow and vulgar because they take no
special work for apprehension and appreciation.
But I admire highly people who do their best
within their limited resources to raise their own
tastes and improve their vision of life. Such
people, no matter how humble their life, have a
natural elegance and innate style which transcends
mere 'good looks' or 'expensive possessions'.

Small children...little toddlers...tend to have
such natural good taste in their own unaffected
way. How I LOVE them!!!!! They keep their
natural sense of harmony and balance until the
educational establishment effaces it for the
dreary substitute of conventional thinking, where
everyone ploddingly seeks to 'fit in' and be like
all others.

What I love is the exuberance of flowers which
unashamedly thrust upward their scandalously
vibrant blossoms to proclaim to the waiting world
that "LIFE IS WONDERFUL!!!!!!". Good taste in
flowers is ANYTHING filled with COLR...ANY
color!!!! Pink is Great!!! So is red, orange,
yellow, blue and any other subtle or wildly bright
hue.

And I think that it's wonderful, it's marvelous
that I can have the privilege and the pleasure to
have a bright, loving and sincere friend like YOU!!!

Affectionately, Your Recovering Friend,

Pat

posted by Pat @ 10:43 AM 0 Comments

.

Dear .

You didn't know how much i have loved you.. but
i'm now happy with the fact that you have already
moved on... knowing you is a blessing.. i won't
forget nor have i ever regretted. thank you for
staying with me especially at this lowest point of
my life where everything just don't work out the
way i want and expect.

Well, it had always been this way, and I have
always known it better perhaps that you ever will.
My perception of the world is different from
yours. I don't want to say good bye again. That in
a months time, you have been a part of my life,
and i feel for you what i feel for myself. I know
now how difficult it is to be alone, to be here in
this senseless confine not only of my own being
but of this wretched city, and to know that you
are not here where i can glorify not just in your
nearness but in the thought that you did love me.
And at nights, I lie awake, and i speak your name
as if it were some incantation that would dispel
this loneliness for now. I whisper to this cold,
rusting walls, to the damp cement floor, to the
emptiness around me, but i can hear only the echo
within me and so I wonder how you are,... if you
are happy as i hope you'll be, and i pray that you
be not tormented as i am, that your nights are
slept and your days are bright.

I did not want to write to you. But it is one way
by which i can escape this bleakness which now
encompasses me. Now too, i know how it is to be
what i am and to remember what you are - life
giver, my joy and my sorrow.

You will forget, not because you are young, but
because you are far away, and having forgotten, it
will all be over and you may on some occassion
remember, perhaps, because this is the way things
are and we cannot change them. I don't know if i
will forget; one can never be sure, but i know
that you are my love not because god or a priest
sanctified our union but because this is how i
regard you. But where ever they may be, there will
be a light to guide us, a talsman which will make
me endure and you are all of these.

But above all, you are the proof i will always
hold previous and true. Thank you for being with
me in thought and deed. There are few like you,
comfortable and secure, who have chosen to be with
me; i will doubt them the way i once doubted you
and they must bear the burden of proving
themselves as you have done. Only time will tell,
but time is fickle in a way i never be. Now that
i know who i am, now that i know what to do.

So let me go away loving you, and losing you, for
in the end, we will lose all those we love.

p

posted by Pat @ 8:05 AM 0 Comments